K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
