he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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