I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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