what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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