There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize