fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
