Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
