Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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