Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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