well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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