I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
