I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
