nut hugger
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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