I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
