Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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