Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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