My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
