Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
