I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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