In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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