There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
