Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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