Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
