im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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