I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
