Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
