God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
