I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
