then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
