I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
