I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
