She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
