The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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