She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize