when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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