I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
