Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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