I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
