i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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