I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
