We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
