I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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