Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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