tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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