I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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