The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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