I molested 6 butterflies tonight
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
