You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
