ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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