If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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