Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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