I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
