I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
