She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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