Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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