Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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